Friday, 11 April 2014
Perceptor-Lots of Apologies
“By doubting we come to question, and by questioning, we perceive the truth.” (Peter Abelard, 1079-1142)
Apology for ... being Absent Without Leave
As you may know or have guessed from Perceptor’s Abelard quote, Perceptor usually likes to ask questions in these digital musings. But every time Perceptor settled down to ask some questions, something NEW popped up! So Perceptor wishes to apologise for having done a Mr. President and gone Absent WithOut Leave.
And while Perceptor is offering apologies on Perceptor’s own behalf, Perceptor has also realised that it is necessary to offer some apologies on behalf of some other people who may have been too busy to make their own apologies, or who may not even have realised that they might possibly have any need to make any apologies ...
So Perceptor apologises for having been away. Perceptor also wishes to apologise to those of you who did not notice that Perceptor had been AWOL for making this apology.
Apology for ... the previous Apology (1)
Perceptor wishes to apologise to those of you who may have thought from the title of the previous Apology that Perceptor had taken up an appointment as some kind of Presidential Spokesperson and was about to make a statement that some of you may think is LONG OVERDUE.
Perceptor also wishes to apologise to Segun Adeniyi for any implication that his job was in jeopardy, or that he is not up to the job. Perceptor recognises that in the absence of actual speaking on the part of his principal (see below), it is difficult to be a Spokesperson. Any confusion will be silent.
Apology for ... Acting President Goodluck Jonathan
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression that may have been created that Vice President Goodluck Jonathan was a weak, ineffectual and cowardly leader who could not summon the courage to defy a brain-dead person and his ordinary woman of a wife.
Perceptor now realises, now that he is ACTING PRESIDENT (and can sign the cheques and award the contracts) that Mr. Goodluck Jonathan is in fact an accomplished strategist and was pursuing a masterly policy of inactivity which has now born (strange) fruit. Now that he is ACTING PRESIDENT, Perceptor need only add that any confusion is self-serving.
Apology for ... Acting President Goodluck Jonathan (2)
Perceptor also wishes to apologise on behalf of Acting President Jonathan for any suggestion that he is in any way similar to a principal who may have been surrounded by enemy-seeking paranoids. Perceptor wishes to explain that Acting President Jonathan is merely displaying the kind of behaviour and carrying out the kind of policies that his principal would have carried out or displayed had said principal (who Perceptor has almost completely forgotten already!) been here to implement them.
Any confusion caused by statements to the effect that there is a campaign of calumny against the Acting President, or attempts to sabotage him is the work of his enemies and detractors and paid-up members of the Pull Him Down CABAL and Katsina Mafia who will not succeed in Jesus’ Name! (Amen.)
Apology for ... Mrs. Patience Jonathan
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression that may have been created by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission that the wife of the ACTING PRESIDENT Goodluck Jonathan is some kind of crook whose only ambition in life is to trouser large quantities of public cash.
Perceptor now realises that any such public cash that was (in any case not) found in the hands of Mrs. Jonathan was only delivered to her in the mistaken belief that the laundry service that she had established to provide gainful employment to indigent widows could perform any service in respect of cash naira. In which she has little or no interest. Whatsoever. Any confusion is ... washed away.
Apology for ... Michael Aondoakaa SAN
Perceptor wishes to apologise on behalf of the former Attorney-General of the Federation to those who may have hoped that he would remain at his post to continue to offer them the kind of shield they need to avoid having to answer allegations that they trousered large quantities of cash while holding public office.
Perceptor also wishes to apologise on behalf of the Minister for Special duties in respect of some words ascribed to him which were taken completely out of context and may unwittingly have caused some distress to a DEAR SISTER.
Apology for ... the previous Apology (2)
Perceptor wishes to apologise for the previous apology which may have tended to suggest that none had already been offered by the former Attorney-General, and may even lead to unnecessary litigation among dear SISTERS and Brothers ...
Apology for ... St. Dora of Akunyili
Perceptor wishes to apologise on behalf of the HONOURABLE Minister of Information, Professor Dora Akunyili, for any impression that she may have created of being an opportunistic, self-seeking, self-promoting politician-manquée who is perfectly prepared to lie to the Nigerian people if that is what it takes to keep her job.
Perceptor has now realised that the Blessed Dora is in fact a saint come to earth (see extract from ‘The Lives of the Saints’ below) with no known equal for saintly bravery and courage save possibly, St. Joan of Arc (although it is a close-run thing) who only WENT ALONG with the evil designs of the CABAL controlling Mr. President in order to lull them into a false sense of security so that she would be perfectly positioned to STRIKE with a daring Memo.
While Perceptor would like to congratulate St. Dora for her cunning perspicacity and vision and ability to know juuussst when the tide is turning and adjust her course accordingly without actually jumping ship, Perceptor wishes to emphasize that this canny political savvy in no way detracts from the realisation that the Blessed Dora is in fact a saint etc. etc. Any confusion is demonic.
Apology for ... Members of the Group of 53
When our dear rapidly recovering, staircase-climbing, President had been absent from public view for barely five minutes, this gang of 53 had already gone to town demanding that Mr. President should RESIGN!
In offering an apology on their behalf, Perceptor wishes to explain that they did not fully understand that the ‘hale and hearty’ President was in fact hardly capable of opening his own eyes, let alone remembering that he had a job and that he was absent from it without leave. It would therefore have been (and still is) impossible for him to resign from being President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression that may have been created that he was capable of taking any conscious decisions at all.
Apology for ... the previous Apology (3)
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression created by the previous Apology which may tend to suggest that Mr. President was unable to perform complex tasks such as understanding and signing a Supplementary Budget worth BILLIONS of NAIRA ... er, well, SIGNING such a document.
Perceptor wishes to state that such a task could easily have been accomplished by the simple act of opening or ... er, not opening his eyes. This would automatically have conveyed to ... er, those whose business it was to know, that he wished them to use his automatic signature machine, information that he would have previously conveyed to them by ... er, ... in any event, Perceptor wishes to apologise.
Apology for ... the previous Apology (4)
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression that may have been created by the previous apology which may tend to cast doubt on claims of having conducted lengthy telephone conversations with Mr. President (made on behalf of Vice-President Goodluck Jonathan, Senate President David Mark, Speaker of the House of Representatives Oladimeji Bankole and others).
Perceptor wishes to emphasize that any difficulty that Mr. President may (or may not) be experiencing in connection with the opening or closing of his eyes is entirely irrelevant to the business of opening or closing his mouth. Any confusion is confusing.
Apology for ... the British Broadcasting Corporation
And while Perceptor is at it, Perceptor would also like to apologise to those who were under the impression that the BBC was an impartial organisation with no imperialist or British Foreign and Commonwealth Office objectives (or funding), and to those who were under the impression that it employed competent journalists, or that its staff and managers, particularly those in Nigeria, were in any way superior in intelligence or understanding or professionalism to a two year old child, and might (a) not rely on the word of people who have prevented the Nigerian people from having any access to Mr. President that the person on the other end of the telephone is in fact Mr. President and (b) have some more pertinent and pressing questions to ask Mr. President, such as why he hasn’t allowed any photographs of himself to be taken or whether and how he signed the Supplementary Budget and what he intended to do about the Christmas underpants bomber ...
Perceptor now remembers that the World Service of the BBC, and in particular its news and possibly even its Hausa Service receives its funding from the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office. Perceptor also now realises that the BBC is an organisation whose staff may either be duplicitous, scheming connivers, or trusting, naive and as thick as two short planks. Or still under the impression that its audience is trusting, naive and as thick as two short planks. Any confusion is regretted.
Apology for ... non-members of the Group of 53
Perceptor wishes to apologise for those Nigerians who failed to append their signatures to the letter written by the Group of 53 calling on President Umaru Yar’Adua to resign. Perceptor particularly wishes to apologise for those whose names were among the signatories but who protested that they had not been properly consulted before their names were included.
Perceptor wishes to state that those people were mainly complaining that the demand for Mr. President’s resignation was premature. They are in no way to be condemned for taking a mere 50, 60 or 70 days to realise that Mr. President has to go.
Apology for ... the National Assembly
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any impression that may have been created that the Distinguisheds and Honourables did not mind whether there was any President or not so long as they continued to get their due.
Perceptor now realises that the National Ass. is full of deeply religious men and women whose main pre-occupation is prayer and quiet (totally silent) contemplation (see below). Perceptor realises that this is why so little was heard from them ...
Apology for ... the Labour Party
Perceptor wishes to apologise to those members of the public who were under the impression that the Labour Party was a party which had the interests of workers and grassroots Nigerians at the heart of its ideology. Indeed, Perceptor wishes to apologise for any perception that the Labour Party HAS an IDEOLOGY of any kind at all.
Perceptor now understands that by offering its platform to PDP decampee Segun Mimiko for the Ondo State gubernatorial elections (won) and PDP decampee Nnamdi ‘Andy’ Uba for the Anambra State gubernatorial elections (lost), but being willing to subsume its identity and allow former Nigeria LABOUR Congress President, Comrade Governor, to use the platform of the Action Congress for the Edo State gubernatorial elections (won) the Labour Party wishes it to be known that its only concern is to have some candidates who can PAY THEIR OWN WAY and that it does not matter if they have no known sympathy for anything to do with the welfare of ordinary Nigerians or workers.
Perceptor must apologise for the confusion about the meaning of the word ‘LABOUR’ in the party’s name, and Perceptor wishes to explain that in the case of Adams Oshiomhole, the operative word was CONGRESS ...
Perceptor hopes that now that this has been clarified, there will not be any confusion when former PDP Ekiti State Governor Ayo Fayose declares for er, ... the Labour Party!
Apology for ... Tiger Woods
Perceptor wishes to apologise on behalf of Tiger Woods for any impression that he may have created that he is not a Black African American. Perceptor realises that this impression may have been erroneously created by his refusal to tick the ‘African American’ box on census or any other forms, and his refusal to marry an American of any kind, let alone an African American and his refusal to cheat on his wife with African women of any kind, let alone African American ones.
Perceptor wishes to state that now that Tiger Woods is damaged goods and not a good role model of the type that can attract large sums in sponsorship money, it has been realised that Tiger Woods is after all, indeed a Black African American.
Perceptor wishes to apologise for any confusion that may have been caused. Perceptor also wishes to apologise in advance for any confusion that may be caused when Mr. Woods returns to golf, winning and large sponsorship deals when he will again cease to be a Black African American.
Apology for ... the previous Apology (5)
Perceptor wishes to apologise for going off message and offshore by discussing the private life of a man of whom Perceptor knew only that he played golf well. Perceptor apologies for not having taken this man as a role model and can only offer in defence that Perceptor does not play golf and knew nothing of his private life.
In respect of having gone offshore, Perceptor wishes to apologise but offers in defence that Perceptor actually intended to head Eastwards, to Saudi Arabia, but unaccountably found that Perceptor was heading Westwards. (Perceptor blames the pilot who may have thought that heading Eastwards was a Waste of Time.)
Perceptor is deeply sorry for this selfish and irresponsible behaviour which failed to understand that the normal rules (of geography) applied to Perceptor. Perceptor thought only of Perceptor’s own self. Perceptor promises to be more respectful of the blogosphere in future. Perceptor realises that Perceptor has caused you pain, has bitterly disappointed all of you and made you question who Perceptor is ... hang on! (to be continued ad nauseam)
Apology for ... all this Apologizing
Perceptor thinks that’s quite enough apologising for now. Perceptor invites the gentle reader to refresh their spirits with this recently discovered extract from some scrolls recently discovered in the archives of the Aso Rock Villa ...
Lives of the Saints: Dora of Akunyili
And it came to pass that in those days, the Blessed Saint Dora of Akunyili became sore troubled. History does not record whether St. Dora became troubled as a result of her conscience, or whether she became troubled because, unlike her companions in the Council of the Ministers of the Federal Government, she – being fitted with new prescription designer-frame eyeglasses – was more clearly able to read the writing on the wall.
History does record that in those days, the ballad ‘Rise and Fall’ by Craig David was played to the people in the land of Nigeria which ballad featured not only ‘Sting’ but also words ‘the writing’s on the wall’ and ‘I’m beginning to lose my integrity’. It was believed that repeated playing of this ballad affected the Blessed Dora.
St. Dora therefore confronted the fearsome dragon Michael of Idontcaaare in his lair deep within the Rock Aso brandishing the sword of Memo, and that at first, the dragon opened his mouth and roared at the Blessed Dora, scorching her with ‘proper procedure’ and ‘due process’ so that St. Dora had to drop the sword Memo and flee.
But the Blessed Dora was not deterred. Although the dragon uttered terrible oaths and curses to seal the sword Memo deep within Rock Aso, he did not know that by its mere unsheathing, the sword Memo had begun to shine and that its light was reflected across the land. Thus it was that the sword Memo miraculously found its way into the Domain Public, and after it was first seen by the people in land of the SaharaReporters, it became known throughout the land.
And the people shouted for joy that the sword Memo had been unsheathed, and the Blessed Dora again seized it and brandished it at the dragon Michael ... (to be continued.)
Lives of the Saints: David of Mark
And it came to pass that in those days, St. David of Mark trod very carefully, lest anybody should accuse him of wanting to become Vice or even President himself. Thus it was that the Blessed David called for prayers and fasting. Prayers and fasting. Prayers and fasting. Prayers and fasting.
And while St. David was fasting and praying, the Blessed Dora was stealing a march on him by brandishing the sword Memo.
Then the Blessed David shone his eyes and quoth: “I am d****d if I am going to let that blessed woman steal all the praise. She may have her sword Memo but I have my Interview BBC!”
Thus it was that the assembly of Senaints rose with several voices (but of which St. David heard only the relevant, useful ones) and in addition heard the voice of their Lord and Master which came to them with no visible signs of support or visible signs of anything) and declared that the Lord had spoken.
And the people shouted for joy and rejoiced that the Interview BBC had been produced and ... (continued.)